Snow Day/Baking Day

Well, five minutes ago I was peaceful in the living room, reading, and listening to my two children working in the kitchen. Gwynn is trying to teach Devin how to bake bread. They have old 90's alternative music playing, and five minutes ago, things sounded OK. Now there is some yelling going on, as she is not the best teacher, and he is not the best student, but I am just staying out here. In the end, she is the baker, he will defer. "Don't kill the yeast!" "God you are so SHAKY!" I am not sure I ever thought motherhood would be like this. I grew up in a house where I was merely a spectator in the kitchen, and I never wanted to cook, or bake, at all, but they do this stuff all the time. They are very self sufficient, and capable, in so many ways that I was not as I headed out on my own. I suppose in some ways, I did some stuff right.

It is funny, as there is an awful lot of reflection in my life right now. I have not been writing much, but it's because I am full of question, full of "wonder what's next," and completely in the moment, but it's a moment of not really knowing where life is headed. I don't have many clear crisp thoughtful thoughts, because I don't really know. I don't know if what we are doing these days is the right stuff, but it's the first time I've faced launching my first child into the world, so the jury will have to be out for a while. Life is at a change point, and for me to write, often, I am better at reflection, not projection.

Still, today, with a surprise of a snowday, I am content. I am snowed in, reading, and listening to my kids making their own mess. I suppose much of life in the next years will be filled with the same. Life is messy, but life is a great adventure. This year one leaves the nest, but so soon they will both be out there; on their own, making their messes, cleaning them up. I've equipped them, perhaps mostly by allowing them their space. I kind of hate saying this, but I am at my best as a mom when I stay a little more out of their way. I will be around for them still, for a long time, I know, but their lives are starting to be more theirs than mine. Motherhood has been one way for me, for 18 years next month, but now it's on to the next phase.

Today, 18 years ago, in my ninth month of my first pregnancy, I am certain I did not give any thought at all about how motherhood would be at this point. I was so wrapped up in diapers, and sleep schedules, and the upcoming year of milestone and firsts. And now I suppose we're on to more firsts, and wrapped up as I could be in them as well, they are not mine, they are theirs. It's the time for the proverbial wings. No, I am not sure I ever thought motherhood would be like this, but I do think I am glad for how it is turning out.