...so bizarre that I sit here in my son's sweatshirt.

I came home from work today to 58 degrees and sunny...fabulous for March in Upstate NY, but not as warm as the 75 I was in at work all day, a mere 8 miles away. Still the lake is in the 40's, so a mix with warm air created an eerie fog, and, naturally, damp cold air as well. There was still sun, and it was so nice to sit outside, but I needed a sweatshirt. His was on the chair. I threw it on.

Only moments ago, simply sitting in the living room watching TV, did I take in how warm and cozy I was. And I realized, I am in my son's sweatshirt. The little boy I carried, is, these days, very nearly bigger than me. His sweatshirt, roomy. But warm. We're at that turning point, where I still protect him, I am his mom, I am his strength, but at times, now, I feel a reassuring pat from him as well. He has a way of knowing when I need time, to myself, or time with him. He sits close, snuggles and talks, or me gives space. I hope I give him the balance of space that he needs as well. I am still the mom, but we talk, at times, more like equals. He asks big questions, and instead of simplifying, I give him big answers.

Yep, that's our family, we talk, and talk, and talk. So much is happening, so much newness, so much change, everyday. He is getting older. It feels like time is just flying by. But it also feels like a whole new beginning.

On the heels of buying my son a pair of dress shoes in the same size my husband wears, I needed some retail therapy myself and bought these cute as heck black silk shantung espadrilles. It was a beautiful sunny day today, and realistically, I could even wear these to work this week, if my toenails were in any way ready to see the light of day. But I think they were my little pick me up for today, and I will save their debut for a day when it is more truly spring...not just a somewhat perplexing seasonal confusion like this week feels.

Driving home from our shopping trip, I had some great music playing, the sun was bright in the sky, and Devin was next to me, but quiet, as he was engrossed in The Hunger Games. ("Mom, Dad, this book is SO good!!!" No, really? Didn't we TELL you you should read it a month or more ago? Ahhh, the satisfaction of finding something on your own...) I was thinking fondly of my new shoes, and also got to thinking of my fourth grade teacher...always interesting to think back on your own teachers, in particular when you are one yourself.

Mrs. Snover was not a teacher I disliked, or liked, really. When I think of her she is just kind of neutral, but I have two very distinct memories nonetheless. One involved a note written to her, by my friend Sally and myself, explaining to her that we really were not happy with our placement in a cooperative group with a boy in our class named Harold. And no, I am not making these names up...weird ones even for the 70's, eh? Harold, infamously, peed his pants in front of the class while giving a book report, and in our letter, we wrote a sentence that we found quite eloquent. "Quite frankly, we both feel he has BO." I remember giving her the letter and standing there while she read it. I was quizzically reading her body language and had no idea why, at one point, a ways into the letter, she seemed to, almost, laugh. She finished reading letter, then gently informed Sally and myself that she would not be changing the groups, but that the groups would not be forever, and weren't we at least happy to be seated together. Life went on. We survived Harold. We did get moved, eventually. Still, that possible laugh on her part, it haunted me.

The other memory, she wore high heels to work every day, but changed into well worn blue canvas espadrilles that she kept beneath her desk every day in the afternoon.

I think I understand Mrs. Snover now.

No day but today.

Days don't get much better than high 60's in Upstate NY in the middle of March. It was fortunate that some friends of ours stopped by unexpectedly because it at least got me outside. Gwynn had her friends here to (not) sleep over and I was up, buzzing on little girl energy myself, until about 2 am, which, with the time change, was actually 3. They were up at 7, left around 11. I cleaned up, got some laundry started, and watched a DVD with Gwynn. She drifted off on the couch, and I was close behind, but then, thankfully, Val and Roger and their dog, stopped by. I got outside. I got a zap of sun energy. I spent the rest of the day pretty productively. I will surely be OUT on the couch in an hour or so, but still...no day but today.

The DVD Gwynn and I enjoyed today was Idina Menzel "Barefoot at the Symphony," full of music from Broadway...Wicked, Rent, Chess...standards and "others"...truly an eclectic mix. It was just released, and Tim pre-ordered it for me from Amazon for my birthday. It arrived yesterday. It was really the sweetest gift, as this was a recording, done in Toronto, but from the symphony tour we saw in Buffalo in September. A way to re-visit one of our "epic adventures" that are so much a part of "us."

Today, watching it, I was welling up just as much, if not more, than the night we were at Kleinhann's Music Hall. Her voice, her acting ability, her lyrical interpretation, the songs themselves. It all just moved me, as music always does. And let's face it, on the eve of my baby boy turning 14, and on the wave of very little sleep, well, let's just say, emotion was close to the surface. The kids always laugh, a little uncomfortably, at me when I cry. They are not nasty or chiding in any way, but, obviously, they are wondering what is wrong. To them crying is for the sad times, for the bad times. If they only knew, yet, I am glad that they don't. They have the most beautiful lives. I am so blessed...and let's not candy coat it. It has been hard work these last 14 years, but I think Tim and I have created just what we always wanted. A family.

No day but TODAY!

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is right
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

Jonathan Harris : Today