Flip Flops

Wednesday
The month is nearing a close, and to fulfill my promise to myself, to write two times a month, I am cutting it close. Thing is, though, it is another negative one. Grrrrr. And I am not usually that way, but all I want to do on here right now is gripe, and groan, and complain, and lament how ANNOYING life is right now. I suppose if I were to look back at old blogs, and even old journals and diaries of my youth, it should be no surprise that this time of year is stressful for me. Endings, again, are something that, at a visceral level, I see as a bad thing, and a big ending, the end of school,draws near. You know how they say that even good change causes stress in your life? The end of the school year is like that for me. Yeah, I am excited about it, but it is a lot of work, in a short amount of time, and it is all the work of finishing; not my strong suit. It is also an end for both my kids, and there are finals, and there are projects. Finally, I suppose, there is the fact that, right before my eyes, these two children of mine will age, again. It feels like we just had birthday month, and I just got used to them being another chronological year older. The school year ending now makes them another school year older, and in some ways, I just don't like it. Or at least, it will take some getting used to. Maybe I would be better with year round school. ACK! Did I just SAY that? What is WRONG with me?

Thursday
Well, today I have spent the day home, with a sick kid, yet again. And along with a doctor's appointment, I have also been somewhat deep in thought. And have done a lot of reading. "Self-helpy" kind of reading. Not the reading I usually do. Still, interestingly enough, it seems to have helped. And after a low from yesterday, I am finding a way up and out, or maybe more so, through. The only way out, after all, IS through, and no matter what life has in store I will make my way through. Hmmm, guess I ought to break out the self help books more often. Don't tell Tim or he'll use it against me. "Do you have your period?" will become, "Why don't you go read your self help books?" Either will get him no where.

Friday
OK, it is May 31st and I have to do it. I have to complete this blog. It's time to publish. It sorta seems to have some coherence. And in order to maintain my tentative mental balance that I worked so hard to maintain on Thursday, I have to keep my promise to me. But again, not so much the finisher. And you know, let us note again that it is also the end of the year, and I have nothing left. Nothing. So we have flip flopped that is for sure...from despair, to acceptance, and now to flippant rants. But there it is, there ya go, there's a second blog for May. I did it. Are ya happy? I am. I'm finished.

Goodbye, Bill

Life has been kind of up and down these days. Death has been a bit prevalent, and I have to say, I'm just not a fan. I am not good at saying goodbye. Never have been, never will be. There have been other endings recently as well, and other goodbyes, and I think I have mentioned before that I am a starter, not a finisher. This applies to work, and to projects, and to things like unloading the dishwasher which I should be doing right now. Love the beginnings, hate the ends.

The most recent death I have been coming to terms with is that of a high school friend's father. Seems kind of fringe, on the outside, and perhaps something that shouldn't affect me as much as something in my own family, but strangely enough that is not so. Of course there is more to the story. There always is. This friend wasn't just a friend, but a close high school friend. Her father wasn't just her father, but was also my pastor during my high school and college years. This man wasn't just my pastor, but a family friend. And he wasn't just a family friend, but was also the man who married Tim and myself. In a way, he is responsible for the life I lead. His consecration of our love led to the life Tim and I have created together, the life we feel so blessed to live. Yeah, it has been a bit to take in. But still, there is more.

Facebook is a funny thing sometimes. I have been on it since 2008. It started as a page I put up, along with my husband, after his 20th high school reunion. People proposed it as a way to stay in touch, and we set up a page together. I soon kicked him off my page realizing what fun it was to connect with people from my own present and my past. I connected with my high school friend's father/my former pastor, Bill, and formed yet a new bond, Facebook friend.

As my experience grew with Facebook, I found it to be a place to share some of my writing with others. I started to post my blogs to Facebook. Bill had long since moved South, following the retirement parade to places closer to his own children, and of course, grandchildren. I hadn't had a chance to see him in a while, to experience his hearty laugh, or be on the receiving end of one of his powerful hugs. Still, Bill became one of my biggest online fans, always "liking" my posts, often commenting on them. And his words meant the world to me. At times his, "Yep, I've been there," confirmed that I wasn't alone. I might have had a post that ranted a bit about the typical frustrations of life, marriage, children, and through the words of my pastor/friend, I found peace yet again. I know that what I write, in essence, addresses the universality of the human condition, and Bill's comments reinforced that I hit my mark. At times his writerly compliment made me proud. He was a man of words, a man that stood, weekly, in a pulpit, expressing his beliefs and ideas. He was a fellow writer, and he found my writing to be good enough. He took the time to compliment, he took the time to say "Yes, you're a writer."

This past week, his family began the long process of saying goodbye. I will have my opportunity soon, to formally do so. And all around me I keep being reminded of endings. Even driving into the city of Oswego this weekend, seeing the graduation flags flying and the U-Hauls hauling, I am reminded again that goodbyes are just part of life. And yes, I suppose in some ways, endings are new beginnings as well. Still, I don't like them, and I don't think I ever will. But today I will say goodbye here. Goodbye Bill, and Godspeed, and for so many things, Thank You, from the bottom of my heart.